super tuna melts
I love tuna in all forms so much that one of those weird, L.A. guru doctor-to-the-stars actually told me he was surprised I was still alive with all the mercury in my system. He came to this conclusion via feeling my abdomen for about 8 seconds as he stared at a Zen garden outside, then sending out for an overpriced blood test. He demanded I never eat tuna again but LUCKILY he had the cure for my toxic poisoning in the form of pills he sold in his office. I mean, how #blessed am I!!
I bought the stupid gut regimen and saw my New York doctor for a second opinion. He ran an actual doctor-who-went-to-a-school-with-grades blood test and not only were my mercury levels not sky-high, they were zero. Lesson learned. I should have known not to go to a doctor who looked like a mix of one of those Burning Man sweat lodge lords and some sort of Tantric sex healer. I don’t even know what that means, but just piece it together and picture it, OK!?
Oh, ummm tuna. I know my tuna, therefore I make the best effing tuna sandwich. I butter the bread to within an inch of its life and then fry the whole thing in a skillet until the cheddar melts into a cheesy river and the bread is basically a giant buttery cracker. After eating this sandwich I always decide that mercury poisoning is worth it and I commit myself to living the rest of my days as a human thermometer.
ingredients
2 (5-ounce) cans water-packed white tuna, drained
½ cup mayonnaise
⅓ cup finely diced onion
2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 tablespoons (½ stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
4 slices country white bread
6 slices vine-ripened tomato
6 thick or 12 thin cheddar cheese slices
steps
In a bowl, combine the tuna, mayo, onion, relish, mustard, ½ teaspoon salt, and ¼ teaspoon pepper and mix until incorporated.
Spread 1 tablespoon of butter on one side of each piece of bread, then flip the slices over so they are buttered-side down.
Divide the tuna mixture between 2 slices of bread, then top with the tomato slices and cheddar. Place the remaining 2 slices of bread on top, buttered-side up.
Heat a heavy skillet over low heat and toast the sandwiches in it until the cheese is melted and the bread is golden and toasty, 5 to 6 minutes per side.
